I thought that would be a more precise title than “I hate writing,” which is not true. I cannot say, either, that “I love writing!,” in the same way another person might say, “I love ice cream!”
On vacation, I brought my iBook, to work some more on my “On Lice” essay and attempt to finish it for a journal’s August 1st deadline. In the hotel room and at poolside, I wrote the connecting pieces and conclusion, and submitted it with a few hours to spare.

Hotel bed, Jane, and iBook in Ottawa
Yesterday I brought Grace and her friends to a birthday party in Wellesley, Massachusetts. I brought my iBook along, thinking that I’d sit somewhere and drink coffee and read the newspaper online while I waited for them.
There was no WiFi in Peet’s.
I tried to insert myself in someone else’s network. On the AirPort pull-down menu, I chose “VillageChurch” as a possibility, and then attempted obvious passwords like Jesus, G0d, M4ry, Chr1st, and Church. (My password is not hard to crack — why should theirs be?) Nothing.
I looked around a bit desperately at the other patrons. Could I catch someone’s eye and wordlessly signal to him that I wanted to piggyback onto his account? No one looked at me. I did, however, notice the same excessively thin and tattooed middle-aged woman whom I had seen only two days before at the Newton Farmers’ Market, and I considered getting another tattoo, and then I stopped. “Jane, don’t go there.”
I wished I could e-mail friend James Black or talk to him. I’ve been reading his posts on writing and not writing and having imaginary conversations with him. Suddenly, it seemed urgent to have a real one, and we were disconnected. I had no book or magazine to read. I could have walked down the avenue and shopped, but I don’t like to shop.
“Damn,” I thought. “I have to write.”
Sighing, I opened the file for an essay, called “Dead and Gone,” that I hadn’t worked on since my retreat in July. I read the last two paragraphs, noticed how unpromising they seemed, and wrote a next sentence.
Then I stopped and tried to break in again to the VillageChurch network.
“I really don’t want to write this,” I thought. “It’s probably going to suck.” My internal voice is normally rather matter-of-fact, and it was in this instance, too.
So, I wrote two paragraphs, and then realized there seemed to be a huge gap in the story, so I inserted the cursor between the two and wrote a long passage in which I tried to elaborate the romantic fantasies I was having about my (now dead) college professor, when I had a crush on him. Honestly, only one of them do I vividly remember; some of it I had to make up. (Is it dishonest to fictionalize the memory of a fantasy? This is a real question.)
Here’s something I wrote yesterday, that I don’t actually recall dreaming about then. Continue reading →