The table of contents is here!

Those are the words that rung through my mind’s ear as I opened issue number nine of P•M•S poemmemoirstory and saw my name in the table of contents next to “Little Creatures,” an essay on lice and love.

I was thinking of the early scene in the Steve Martin movie, The Jerk, in which the phone book arrives and Navin Johnson cavorts in joy: “The new phonebook is here! The new phonebook is here!” (Relive it at 1:24 in this trailer.) His name, in print! My name, in print!

Alas, though, it’s only a name. If you want to read my essay on experiences delousing my three children, leave me a comment with your e-mail address and a PDF will be yours.

And if you came here looking for the BEST LICE TREATMENT or a LICE REMOVAL MACHINE, which are among the top search strings that lead people to my blog, then let me give you the information you came for:

1. The best over-the-counter product is LiceFreee!

2. The best “home” remedy, developed actually by a physician, is soap-based, labor-intensive (but gentler than nit-picking), and effective. I tried it on my own head. The full instructions are here. (Note: In his research paper, the doc calls the soap “Nuvo” lotion, which is actually Cetaphil Cleanser.)

3. There is no lice removal machine, unless you count your human hands and eyes… and that little comb.

4. The over-the-counter pesticides DO NOT WORK, although I know you’re desperate, as I have been, and you want them to. They just get the lice high for a little while, and then Mama Lice and her babies recover and roam again. I cannot comment on prescription pesticides, because we never tried them. (I would have tried something stronger, but I couldn’t get my prudent pediatrician to write me a prescription.)