– The fall fade

I prefer the time of year when nature stops striving and starts to tire and droop.  Beautiful.  I wonder if I feel the same about human age: People who have made it past (most of) the heat and showy blossoms of summer do, in my view, seem more attractive.

What surprised me, as looked at these photos after uploading them, is how much latent PINK I have in my yard.  In 1999, when I started to figure out what we would plant here, I told my gardener friend Colleen, who was helping me, that it was the one color I wanted to avoid.  “I like yellow, orange, red — the brights.” Interestingly, though, over time the yard has developed into a show of mostly green and white, with spots of summer color here and there, which all burnish into pink as it fades in October.

And I have come to love this past-its-prime color. “Pink” doesn’t do it justice.

– World tree crisis

From the BBC’s “Science and Environment” section yesterday:

The global economy is losing more money from the disappearance of forests than through the current banking crisis, according to an EU-commissioned study.

It puts the annual cost of forest loss at between $2 trillion and $5 trillion.

The figure comes from adding the value of the various services that forests perform, such as providing clean water and absorbing carbon dioxide.

[…]

Key to understanding his conclusions is that as forests decline, nature stops providing services which it used to provide essentially for free.

So the human economy either has to provide them instead, perhaps through building reservoirs, building facilities to sequester carbon dioxide, or farming foods that were once naturally available.

Or we have to do without them.

– Secret room dreams

I share an office with a few other writing teachers.  One of my office mates, T., recently told me about her adventures in flower pressing, and she gave me some petals.  Once curled and shaped, they are now paper thin and flat.

The pressed petals remind me of the bright, fallen, and wilted geranium petals on the floor of my room at Wellspring House, where I was in July for a week.  The boards of the floor were painted gray, and when I walked in the room I saw a scatter of droplets — pink, with white edges — under the window.  At first, without really thinking I thought they were painted fingernails.  Then on the wide sill I noticed the clay pot, the green furred and scalloped leaves.

There are geranium pots on our front steps at home, and these too, like T’s petals, remind me of my solitary and spare room at Wellspring.

Petals, on steps after rain.

Petals, on steps after rain.

Thoughts of that room prompt memories of other loved rooms, especially two more: a dorm room, an office.  What do they have in common?  Why these three, and not so many others?

I make a diagram.  (Later Lydia sees it and asks, incredulous, “You made a Venn diagram because you were bored?”  I answer, “I made a Venn diagram because I was trying to figure something out.”  She laughs kindly.)

Each room had its own wonderful qualities.  The dorm room: a big closet and a typewriter.  The office: a view into the greenhouse behind the Isabella Stewart Gardner Museum.  The room at Wellspring was named after Emily Dickinson, and then there were the petals decorating the floor and catching my eye.

They shared some features too, and it must be these that cause me to consider them as a trio.  All three had a desk & chair, shelves, and a mirror.  They were intended for solo use, although I recall guests in each one.

"Three Rooms" by J. Kokernak (Venn diagram)

"Three Rooms," by J. Kokernak, 2008.

I am ruminating over the importance of these concrete details and what they mean now.  Each memory’s connection to my present life (and not my then student, staff, or retreater’s life) is what concerns me.

This exercise on the three rooms reminds me, too, of theme dreams (i.e., ones that recur).  Mine are about secret rooms.  In these dreams, I walk through a house I’ve lived in and find a door that I’ve never noticed before.  I open it, and inside is a room that presents an opportunity to me (space, activity, style), and sometimes to the people I live with.  Sometimes in one of my secret room dreams, I try to get another person’s attention: “Look, look at this!  The room we’ve been wanting!”  Sometimes in one of my secret room dreams, I close the door and keep its existence to myself.

About a dreamed secret room, Gillian Holloway, in The Complete Dream Book, claims that “This room has great possibilities… and represents a neglected potential in the dreamer’s life that the deeper mind is trying to reclaim” (155).

Are the three remembered rooms like secret dream rooms?  There seems to be some bounty there.

– Dirty little secret

orchid and cactus.

The infirm: orchid and cactus.

This weekend’s rain offers the already sturdy flowers, shrubs, and trees in the yard an extra boost.  They’re green, flowered, and lush.

Compare them to the ailing figures in this photo, members of my rather meager population of houseplants.  The one on the left is an orchid.  Where are its characteristic blooms?  The one on the right, pancake-like, was a robust, egg-shaped cactus only a month ago.

I like houseplants; I really do.  But for a couple of unkillable Pothos, which “set the standard for tolerance of neglect,” however, I can’t seem to keep them alive for long.

– Mending (a life)

Hem pants. Replace buttons. Re-hang shelves and pictures. Fix holes in screens. Weed garden. (Ignore crabgrass.) Deadhead annuals. Scrub enamel sink. Re-plant pachysandra bed. Adjust bike seats. Touch up dinged paint in hall. Oil squeaking hinge. Darn moth holes in favorite sweater, black. Launder curtains, and vacuum louvered blinds. Prune files. Treat stains.  Find missing pieces. Sweep up glass, and — band-aid solution — cover broken pane with a cardboard rectangle. Proofread the syllabus, the assignment, the handout. Adjust temperature. Change sheets. Plane doors. Bring broken chairs to Manny; wait two weeks; pick up chairs from Manny. Glue tiny porcelain arm to tiny porcelain shoulder.

Take old desk and make it new.

Take old desk and make it new.

So much of time seems filled with repairing, maintaining, and renewing what’s already been done.  The moments of decision and creation — when life is composed — are few.

– Accidental sunflower

Lone sunflower

*

Grace planted this.

She planted many more sunflower seeds in the spring, and this is the one — out of all the seeds, and then out of all the seedlings — that grew.  The skimpy crop is mainly my fault; I could have helped her tend to them better as they were getting their start, but in the spring I was distracted and overwhelmed.

I can sit on my front steps, which may possibly be my favorite perch, as Julie pointed out the other day, and focus on it, instead of the service driveway to the building across the street.

This reminds me that, while many are good, many are bountiful, many en masse are stunning, one of something can be enough.

– No hummingbirds yet

This is my new garden ornament. It’s called “The Tweeter Totter,” and it’s made to attract hummingbirds. I bought one, at the Bird Watcher’s General Store in Orleans, after watching bird after bird feed at the one in my parents’ yard. Hummingbirds in flight look like giant bees, and a person can’t help but stare at them, as she would at a baby, or fire.

There is, however, no action at my feeder.

Plenty of vacancy at the Hummingbird Inn

Plenty of vacancy at the Hummingbird Inn

Did I miss the height of the hummingbird season? Have they all headed south?

I built it. Why won’t they come?

– After vacation: chores

It’s good to have a helper.

Grace, the little gardener, prunes the clematis arbor.

Grace, the little gardener, prunes the clematis arbor.

My other helper sits in the background, where only moments ago she checked my hair for lice, which has descended again on our house. To the back of my head Lydia said, “Dammit. White hair and white nits. I can’t find anything.”

Upstairs, staff photographer Eli is hard at work at the desk, editing and archiving photos, a few of which I hope to publish.

Someone has to wash the kitchen floor, and I think it will be me.

– Arbor

Plants grow, tended or untended. I return home from a week away and find that vines, which I usually keep trimmed back to the arbor at the end of the sidewalk, have a way of their own, preferring lush life over neatness.

Arbor, clematis

Photograph by Eli Guterman

– Slivers

If a person gets the urge to grow something, she can do it anywhere there’s some light. A pot or a patch and time to tend it is enough. Last week boingboing linked to a post on Kirainet about gardens on little public corners in Tokyo. Here’s one:

Sliver Garden in Tokyo

The anonymous gardener appropriated some unused public space — just a sliver — and made something both useful and beautiful in it. I probably should say that the gardener is making something there; gardens change every day and are never finished.

The sliver garden made me think about a story an old boss once told me about a friend of hers, who had a fantasy (if I remember this right) of buying and restoring a big, old waterfront home in Maine. This friend lived in some other, non-Maine non-old place, in a suburban development, not too far from her job, which she liked and which financially sustained her and her family. Yet, this fantasy kept pressing on her: an out-of-reach, vivid Someday Dream. So many aspects of it made it unattainable in the present: her like and need for the job, lack of money for a second home, lack of time and skills to do the fixing-up, a spouse’s lack of interest in the same project. The Someday Dream floated farther and farther from her reach.

Finally, someone asked this woman who was filled with longing, “What is the feeling under the fantasy?” The woman, at first, did not seem to understand the question, and she answered with a more specific description of the house she dreamed of and the place she pictured it in.

Her interlocutor explained that she wanted the woman to examine the more pure feeling underneath the specific details. This was (and is) a harder question. After a long pause, the woman finally said that she wanted to take something old, with a history, and make it livable. In answering the question, the woman herself realized that she didn’t have to live in an 11-room, white, black-shuttered Victorian in Kennebunkport to get close to that feeling.

It’s funny: I don’t remember the exact outcome of this story, but I do remember that, by figuring out the feeling underneath (and I love that the feeling is under the fantasy, supportive like a foundation, or hidden like a cellar), the woman made some change in her life that gave her access to the fantasy. Maybe she moved to an old house in her town. Maybe she bought old furniture — stuff with the history she was after — and restored it. What’s important is that she figured out a way to give shape and actuality to a dream of something longed for.

Last fall, on the afternoons that I dropped Lydia off at her chorus rehearsal, I regularly walked through the community gardens on East Berkeley Street in Boston. On a sliver of land between the street and a public alley behind townhouses, there’s a double row of fenced and gated outdoor rooms, each about 10 feet by 10 feet. There are a few double lots.

Many of the gardeners maximize their spaces, growing greens and vegetables in the ground, flowers in hanging pots, and squash vines on the fencing. Such parcels seemed like farms to me, and I’ll bet they are to the people who cultivate them.

East Berkeley Street farm

Other gardeners trace paths inside the fencing and fill them with stone or broken pottery. I noticed ornaments and signage. Some gardeners post photographs, protected in acetate sleeves, featuring the same garden in another season, creating a weirdly fascinating, double view of the same location. A few gardeners have turned their allotments into sanctuaries with grasses, torches, wind chimes, and seating.

Whether farm- or patio-like, do such places give all their proprietors a feeling under what started as a more specific fantasy? I imagine the person or pair that arranged this tableau:

Red chairs on East Berkeley Street

This is what having some of what you want looks like. As I stood there, I felt it, too.